Divided Heart
by Xanderlike
Summary: Inner Moka's thoughts about her relationship with Tsukune. Based on the anime.


I've fought monsters for him.

I've thrown myself into harm's way for him more than once without a second thought. Faced _things_ that could kill even _me_—even _water_—without hesitation. Time and again, I've risked _everything _I am, everything I have, to protect Tsukune Aono.

I've even given him my blood.

And I'm _still_ not good enough for him.

The Other Moka—the "Outer Moka"—is the one he wants. The Outer Moka is the one he loves.

I almost hate her for that.

Almost.

The reason that I don't—the reason that I can't—is because if she did not exist I never would have met Tsukune.

And if I _had _met him, I would never have loved him.

I would have drained him dry. Secure in my power, secure in my strength, I would have never known what it is to be weak—I never would have known what it is to feel _lonely_—and I would have glutted myself on his blood.

I dream about that sometimes.

Love _hurts_.

It hurts so much to know that I'm not the one he wants. To hear him say my name and know its not _me_ he's calling out to. To feel the arms of the one you love hold you—catch you—but only secondhand.

Sometimes I want to end it all.

Sometimes I want to just _take_ him once and for all. To bare his throat to my fangs and do what the Outer Moka does so casually—drink of his blood. Taste it. Taste him … and _drink_ until there's nothing left of it. Nothing left of him …

But I don't.

I can't.

In the beginning, I told myself that the Outer Moka stopped me. That she was strong enough to control my thirst for his blood. That her feelings for him were too powerful for me to overcome.

_I_ didn't care for him. _I _didn't feel _anything_ for him. He meant _nothing _to me … only the Outer Moka cared about him … only the Outer Moka _loved _him … I was too strong for that kind of folly …

But I can't lie to myself that way any longer.

When the Outer Moka sacrificed herself to save the Academy … to save Tsukune … nothing could have stopped me from draining Tsukune dry. The others—the ones that the other students call "Tsukune's harem" behind our backs—are strong—and they have grown stronger together than they ever would have been on their own—would not have been able to stop me.

Nothing could stop me.

Tsukune could have been _mine_—mine the _only_ way a human and vampire should be together …

But I didn't.

I couldn't.

I wanted him to hold _me_ as he had held the Outer Moka. I wanted him to look into my eyes and say my name to _me_. I wanted him to see _me_- to see me not just as a weapon to be called upon when he was in danger—I wanted him to see me as a _girl_ that cared for him just as much as the Outer Moka did.

I wanted him to love _me_.

But … I didn't know how.

I tried to act like the other girls, but it did nothing but confuse him. I tried to act like the Outer Moka but even though he said my name … it was still _her_ he was calling out to, and there was nothing in me that could respond to that passion.

And then he went off to confront Father for him.

He was willing to risk death to get the Outer Moka back.

He would rather _die_ than live without her.

He would rather die than live with _me_.

It _hurts._

And the only time it doesn't hurt—the only time when I'm at peace—is when I'm wearing the Rosary. When I'm safely buried inside Outer Moka the pain is bearable. When I'm resting in Outer Moka, I can have his love the only way I can … the only way I ever will …

Secondhand.

I envy the other girls.

Like me, they know the pain of wanting something—someone—you can't have. Like me, they know the pain of knowing the one they love wants someone else.

Unlike me, they don't have to be there for every moment.

When Tsukune does finally make his choice—when he makes the choice that we all know in our hearts that he _will_ make—they will cry and they will hurt, but then it will be over for them.

For me, it will never be over.

I am there for their every moment, their every caress. I am there every time he holds her in his arms and whispers her name … the name that used to belong only to _me_. I am the voyeur to a love I'd give anything to have for myself …

But never will.

I love Tsukune Aono.

I love him with _all _my heart.

But he only loves _half_ of mine.


End file.
